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Kindness: A Plea to My Fellow Trainers

Michael Baugh CDBC CPDT-KSA

When I was in high school we were assigned a book that has stuck with me all these years after. It was titled Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am? (John Powell 1975). One of the things I liked most was the universality of the title. It wasn’t, Are you afraid or I am afraid. It assumed a truth. We are afraid, all of us, sometimes terrified.

I haven’t re-read the book in years but I remember the answer to the title question. If I tell you who I am, if I’m really open and genuine, if I put myself out there, then I’m vulnerable. You see me, all of me. If you reject me, that’s all I’ve got. It’s dangerous. I could get hurt.

We learn early on, long before high school, how treacherous vulnerability can be. Rejection, scorn, ridicule, mockery. Those are all strong punishers. We are taught from the moment of our earliest memory:

  • Don’t be different (fit in).
  • Don’t be wrong
  • Don’t be weird or awkward

That’s the short list.

If you’ve ever lived or worked in a consistently punishing environment (and most of us have at some time), then you know where this leads. And for those of us who are animal trainers we know from our own education and training experience where it leads. Animals with a punishment history shut off. They do the safest thing they can think of to avoid being hurt. In many cases that is simply to hunker down and do nothing.

When we consistenly punish our fellow humans for being different, or wrong, or awkward, we get similar results. We get humans who step back – sit down – and shut up. Worse, when we witness each other getting beaten down there can be a chilling effect. That could happen to me. I’m not putting myself out there. No way. No how. So more and more of us hunker down, too. We keep our truth to ourselves. We hide who we are. Because if we stand up, step up, and speak out we’re fucked (loosely paraphrasing John Powell).

There is an old (tired) joke among dog trainers. It goes like this. The only thing two trainers can agree on is that the third one is wrong (see also different and awkward). We are plagued by clannishness. There are camps: this methodology against that. And then there are camps within the camps, fine lines of thinking and acting that if crossed violate the arbitrary rules of those opposed. We are, for the most part, deeply dedicated to teaching animals with compassion and minimally aversive techniques. And at the next turn we are apt to savage each other.

The dramatic irony plays out most often and with the greatest vitriol on social media platforms. I’ll spare you the details because I’m so very confident you’ve seen them  yourself. At best we adhere to our own righteousness. At worst we are sarcastic and cynical. We excuse our own behavior because of what he or she said first. Or, when we feel the sting of our actions we try to quell it with the idea it was all in good fun. Humor. Jokes for which others paid.

I have been that asshole. I have fired off barbs wrapped in velvet. I have posted crap that looked sane and even poetic with the raw intention of causing pain. At my worst I’ve participated in whisper campaigns and back stabbing. I regret it every day. I drag a wake of human wreckage and I remember the names. We suffer and we cause more suffering and in the end we hurt ourselves the most.

Here’s my simple plea. Be kind. I put this idea out for consideration in my talk at the IAABC Conference earlier this year. Sometimes it’s better to be kind than to be right. This is hard for us. We trainers are in the business of being right. Our information has to be right. Our skills need to be right. We need to demonstrate and teach rightly. We are also in the business of reducing suffering, the suffering of animals and of our fellow human beings. If kindness is missing from our work we are impeding our best efforts. Information wrapped in anger or sharp edged snark is wasted. It is lost on the learner. The recipient of even our most valued truths will likely only feel the blows and the cuts. We trainers know better than to do this with dogs. It breaks trust and builds nothing. And yet, we do it to each other.

I want my fellow trainers to know that I see them and hear them. I want this most especially if we sometimes disagree. Why? Because we aren’t done yet. At our best (and I firmly believe we are all striving for our best) we trainers are voracious learners. When I value my fellow trainer, my fellow learner, I maintain access. When I speak kindly even in discourse, I get to stay in the game, stay on the path with him or her. Choose your own metaphor. When we are connected we can teach. We can explore ideas together. And, wait for it, we can learn. Play the long game. Is one tweet or one facebook post worth losing the chance to work in concert to build our profession – to lead – to heal?

So, this is a plea for kindness. It’s a plea drawn from my own experience. It’s a feeble try, perhaps, to draw compassion from suffering. Because we are all afraid, terrified sometimes, of each other. And, because when all is said and done, no matter our differences, we want the same thing. We want to tell each other who we really are (fear be damned). We are hardwired for connection with each other, collaboration, friendship and love. It’s who we are at the core. We want to be seen and to be heard and to feel safe. It’s a yearning we all have and it’s also the greatest gift we can give to each other.

Michael Baugh teaches dog training in Houston, TX. He teaches client coaching through the International Association of Animal Behavior Consultants. Michael is a human being with many of the strengths and foibles associated with that species.

What is Behavior Change?

 

Michael Baugh KPA-CTP CDBC CPDT-KSA

We hear a lot and I talk a lot about behavior change in dog training. What, though, does that term mean? Specifically, what does it mean in real life — in your life with your dog?

Most of my clients are very focused on what we might call behavior stop. And that’s understandable. They want their dog to stop barking, stop biting, stop jumping up on countertops, stop chewing on their stuff. Stop everything, now.

When faced with the plea to “make it stop,” I and many of my training colleagues will ask: “what would you like to see your dog do instead?” Excuse the 90’s music reference, but “Every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end.” (Closing Time by Semisonic 1998). In other words, whether we intend it or not, whenever a behavior stops another one starts up in its place. What would you like your dog to do instead? That’s behavior change.

From your dog’s point of view there is no bad behavior versus good behavior. They aren’t working from some Disney fantasy moral compass. Their choices for activity (i.e. their behavior choices) are steered by the compass of effectiveness. Does this activity pay off? Does this activity get me something (e.g. food off the countertop)? Does this activity help me avoid something (e.g. going in my crate)? There is no right or wrong. There is only does it work or doesn’t it.

We can decide that our dog’s behavior is wrong or bad if we want to. But, changing unwanted behavior needs to go a step beyond just stop it. Our plan needs to stay focused on what we want our dog to do instead. We know he’s getting something (or avoiding something) when he misbehaves. So, can we make our dog a better deal?

Maybe some examples would help. If our dog puts his paws on the countertops to steal food while we are cooking, could we make him a better deal? Could we teach him how to earn food on his mat on the floor instead? It takes less energy and the outcome is basically the same. That’s exactly what one of my clients did in this video.

Or how about this? Make my dog stop barking at me. Hmm. Let’s try teaching the dog to bark quietly. Perhaps we could even make it a trick. Good deal. Granted we are just teaching a variation on the bark, but it’s still behavior change. (Turn on your volume for this one)

Make my puppy stop biting everyone’s hands and arms. We could teach a lot of things to replace this unwanted behavior. I like to get ahead of the biting and teach appropriate play with toys (note: I didn’t say give him a toy when he bites. Get ahead of that bite). Hand targeting is also a good option. But watch how this client used mat work to solve the problem. Now, there’s a good deal!

Behavior change is about teaching new behavior to replace the old. We get to decide which one is wrong (the old unwanted activity) and which one is right (the new one we are teaching). That’s on us. From the dog’s point of view it’s super simple. Does the new behavior pay better than the old behavior? Can you make us a good deal here?

What about ignoring the unwanted behavior (e.g. barking at me doesn’t pay off for me anymore)? Some trainers advise clients to do just that. I understand why, and I also understand that is a slower more frustrating way to train. It leaves the dog guessing for a new behavior alternative, often making an equally undesirable choice. So, let’s teach him something new and specific instead – something better. And and at the same time, let’s help our dog forget the old behavior choice ever existed in the first place. It’s okay to block his access to countertops, unwanted chew items, or scenarios you know will make him bark. Set him up (and yourself) to succeed as he learns his new and better behavior choices.

I bet you already have a list of stuff you want your dog to stop doing. Now, let me ask you that trainer’s question again. What do you want him to do instead? Give it some thought. Jot it down if you want. And, let’s get to training.

Michael Baugh teaches dog training in Houston, Texas. He specializes in behavior change with families whose dogs have bitten or otherwise behaved in an offensive manner. 

Make it Stop

Michael Baugh CDBC CPDT-KSA

More than anything, we humans just want out dogs’ unwanted behavior (i.e. “bad” behavior) to stop. Barking. Make it stop. Biting. Make it stop. Jumping, running, digging, you name it. We want it to stop.

So, how do we make things stop? One way is punishment. Technically speaking, punishment is anything we apply or take away that decreases a behavior. We humans love punishment, because it often has instant results (though, often not very lasting results). See: The Allure of Punishment.

The trouble with punishment is that the standards are quite high if we want to see any long-term effects.

  • We have to punish at a level that is sufficiently crummy for the dog. He either loses some very desirable privilege of gets some level of painful nastiness (and most of us don’t really want to hurt our dog).
  • We have to punish in a timely manner, like the moment the bad behavior occurs. We humans are notoriously bad at timing.
  • We have to punish every occurrence of the bad behavior. Every one. No exceptions.

If we don’t met the three criteria above, then punishment will fail.

Fortunately there is an easier way to end bad behavior without having to jump thorough all the difficult hoops of punishment. We can, without much hassle, teach our dogs what we want him to do. This is a proactive approach to training. What behavior do we want our dog to perform instead of the unwanted (bad) behavior?

There are technical terms for this. One of them is Differential Reinforcement of an Alternate Behavior (DRA). But, I like to simply call it giving our dog a landing spot. Don’t do that. Do this instead.

Here’s more good news. Most alternate behaviors (replacement for the bad stuff) are very easy to teach. It’s simple stuff like stand, sit, and lie down – things our dogs do anyway. I came up with this short list of unwanted behavior and simple solutions to fix them below. It’s a short list but it gives you an idea of how this works.

  • Stop jumping on guests becomes stand with all four paws on the ground. Reinforce with food and petting.
  • Stop biting guests becomes go lie down over there on your bed or mat. Reinforce with food (keeping guests away from the mat or bed is also reinforcing).
  • Stop pulling on leash becomes walk beside me and check in every once in a while with a glance up. Reinforce with food and praise.
  • Stop barking out the front windows of the house becomes come when called and hang out here with me. Reinforce with food, praise, play, etc. (Limiting access to the front windows also helps).

If a behavior problem seems too complicated for you to figure out, certainly bring in a qualified positive reinforcement trainer or behavior consultant to help you come up with an alternate behavior (or series of alternate behaviors). But, for the most part, this is pretty straight forward. Take your focus off the stuff you don’t want your dog to do Put your mind and your energy into what you want him to do instead.

In other words, teach your dog to do something.

Michael Baugh Teaches dog training in Houston Texas. He specializes in dogs with problem behavior including aggression.